counting to thirteen

zero.

It's been two years since I fell in love with you

but this isn't about love.

    i. I thought about telling you that sometimes,

        I'm in a car and a country song comes on

        and it takes me back -

            with a bittersweet sadness -

        because I remember.

 

                I remember being in a car with you,

                country songs on the radio,

                    which I normally wouldn't listen to, but

                    in these moments I didn't mind because I knew

                    that those songs would bring me back to those moments

                and those moments were good.

                            Smiles and laughter and

                            where-the-hell-are-we-going.

                            Stress, too.

                            But most of it was good,

                and it's gone forever and time is fleeting, the universe

                    is B I G,

                        we all make mistakes and it gets sad sometimes.

    ii. I thought about telling you
            I remember your smiles, your laughter,

                        your humor.

    iii. I thought about telling you

            that forgiving you is an uphill battle on a slippery slope

            which I'll think I've finished climbing and then I will

                s

                    l                          right back down,

                        i                        losing my footing,

                            p                        scraping myself raw.

    iv. I thought about telling you I forgive you.

    v. I thought about telling you that I wish
        you find an easier way to breathe, and I wish

        you find it before your breath starts rattling and rolling in your chest,

        because time runs out for all of us,

        no matter what angels or demons we are accompanied by,
        and I wish

        you'd carry three demons less,

                    but only when I'm feeling generous,

                    on the days I beat the slippery slope.

    vi. I thought about telling you how I loved you.

    vii. I thought about telling you

            how no heartbreak has hurt as bad and as long as

                it did when you made your excuses,

                and disappeared through the wires,

            and how my wounds reopened when you found your tongue again.

    viii. I thought about telling you
            that you made me realise some things about myself,

            about patterns,

            about how it was me that was tearing myself up,

            was tearing my ribcage open,

                    and how I couldn't keep going like that.

    ix. I thought about telling you

        that you were a great teacher,

        but a miserable friend and a coward

                in the way you left.

    x. I thought about telling you how I wish

            I could have kissed you more, I wish

            I could have showed you more of my heart and grace,

                but these moments have long passed,

        and I'm no longer certain the sentiment still rings true.

    xi. I thought about telling you I loved you.

    xii. I thought about telling you I stopped.

xiii.

I will tell you nothing,

so sleep tight,

and try to forget.

It's been two years since I fell in love with you,

but this isn't about love, it is

about what's left once love leaves.