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miserabel
unusually normal
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
Switzerland
So, hi. I'm a girl. I like using fancy words. And Oscar Wilde.

Rule no. 1: Give a llama - get a llama! :iconllamacopterplz:
Because llamas are awesome.

my wonderful cheshire-icon was made by Herzlose

I appreciate all favs and comments, even though I do not always thank for them. So instead, have a collective thank you here:

:party: :iconthanksplz:
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120 deviations
No matter how small your worries,
they are not insignificant. Look up at the stars -
you're small, but you're also the entire world,
and you're breathing.

You're the entire world,
and you're a dust particle,
floating through sunlight.

Believe me when I say - you don't need
to shoulder the globe, to feel like the stars
will fall if you don't cup your hands around them
in the sky to keep them safe.

The world won't fall apart,
and neither will it mend,
for your tears.

No matter how small your smile,
it is not insignificant. Chant
que sera, sera, and realise:
your smile, it means the world.
To the Worried Ones
Back from May 2015.
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i.

love
it'll be a bumpy ride
hold on tight

ii.

"if you're the type
to do something sweet -
and I think you are -
let me know"

iii.

you told me of a cardboard dragon
and
I
set myself on fire

iv.

"you're not the type
for romantic gestures"

v.

I'm not
at all romantic
if writing doesn't count

and I think it should,
because you love these words

oh, don't give me lip
(except to kiss
that is)
darling

I bet you're smiling
right now
fire! fire!
I hope you weren't serious
when you said
you'd want a cardboard dragon
because I'd set the damn thing on fire
out of sheer spite.

Internet poetry, part I: one-sided conversation with my love. This is probably too personal to make sense to anyone but you. Deal with it.
Inspiration source: memories from last summer.

23:58
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You love the rain.

I never did.

     I never knew the desperation of drought
     what it feels like when your land is so thirsty
     it cracks up beneath your feet -

when you never get introduced
to the concept that water is scarce
it seems a hassle to have it
fall on your head.

It rained today;
the air was cold, the street was wet
and while I wasted my time
waiting on a train
I wasted it
listening to the soft splitter-splatter of the rain,
too.

These days
when it rains
when the clouds hand fat and full
in the sky
and someone complains,
calling the weather a bother, a disgrace -

I think "you would love this" instead.

Loving you
didn't make me love the rain
but it made me think of you
whenever I look out and the sky is full of clouds
and the rain splitter-splatters heavily
against my umbrella -

and that is almost the same thing.
rainy sunday night
From Sunday, after a rainy weekend.

"What do you love about the rain? Listening to it through an open window, feeling it on your skin, the way it makes the air smell?"
"All of those."
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The love between child and mother - daughter and mother, in this case - is, in my opinion, a beautiful topic to write about. This is a nice read, and the emotion comes through clearly through your lines and rhymes.

In that aspect, it is poetry well done.

I personally feel the piece suffers a bit through it's length. Of course this is very personal, but I feel this piece would do a lot better if it was only a third of its length. The strongest parts, in my opinion, are the first two lines of the second stanza, and the last stanzas, starting with "But I'll never know the chosen child", so I would cut all the rest away.

Very drastic, naturally, and there's no need for you to actually do that - but my literature teacher has told us of poets who work on their pieces by continuing to cut them down for years and years, until they're tiny things. Maybe something to keep in mind, or play around with.

Also, I feel the need to question the focus on things you'll "never know" of a person you so obviously love - doing that makes it look like there's a certain distance between the speaker and the person who this piece has been written for. If this is intentional, then that's fine, but I feel it is rather an accidental side-effect. First off, talking of how you'll never meet your mother in her life before you is a very original point and I love the idea, but it reads - to me - like all these things the speaker will never know are physical walls between these two people, like they'll be forever separated by one of them not knowing the other person's colours, or their inner summer child. I'm not sure how to give you a suggestion for this, it's more of a personal feeling or impression this has left on me. I simply feel that just focussing less on things that are forever to be unknown would maybe change the tone of this piece to something warmer, and more accessible to me personally.

So much for overall impression. I shall continue to break down a couple of details - which means, yes, I shall nit-pick :ahoy:. Use any of these points as you see fit, please!

:bulletorange: missing words - I felt twice throughout this piece that a word simply disappeared from where it should be. 2nd stanza: "But the only way I know is one" - shouldn't that say "the only way I know you"? 5th stanza: "I'll never know to look at you / with a special sort of awe" - feels like that should say "without" instead of with.

:bulletorange: the word "never" appears frequently in this - eleven times, if I counted correctly, ignoring the title. Now, of course it's a good idea to tie the title to the poem and all, but "never" is a strong, emotional word in my opinion, that - strangely - uses weight the more we use it. Here, too, it loses weight with continuous use.

:bulletorange: the stanza that begins with "Mom!" feels disruptive to me, with these little snippets of conversations. Even though I think I grasp your intention, "What - Where - There" is so different from the whole rest of the poem that it seems to fall out of line a bit. And then, "That sound, unique to your ears alone" - what sound? The sound of being called by her children? Personally, I feel it would be better to spend a line or two describing the sound(s) instead of the "What - Where - There - Mom - Momma - Mother" conversation snippets.

So, that was that! I hope I didn't put you off too much with my, ahem, lengthy commenting. As I said, you're free to treat this critique as you like, ignore it, keep some points in mind for the future or not, as you wish. This is your piece, do as you see fit! I simply gave you my own view of your work.

The affection in this poem is plain and lovely, so even though I personally would give it an overhaul, there's no need for you to do that.
Have a nice day! :happybounce:

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:iconcookiebearkitten:
cookiebearkitten Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for the llama~ :iconrubcheeksplz:
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:iconmiserabel:
miserabel Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome! :D
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:iconcomatose-comet:
comatose-comet Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
thanks for the fave :rose:
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:iconmiserabel:
miserabel Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Or: thank you for sharing your fabulous writing! :ahoy:
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:icongata-art:
Gata-Art Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks so much for the llama! Llama Emoji-02 (Blush) [V1]  Have a llama back! Llama Emoji-03 (Sparkles) [V1] 
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:iconcomatose-comet:
comatose-comet Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you again for the critique :heart: :hug:
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:iconmiserabel:
miserabel Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:blush: psh it was but one critique, you don't need to thank me more than once~
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:iconcomatose-comet:
comatose-comet Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Also thank you so much for the watch too Danisnotonfire: FEELS 
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:iconmiserabel:
miserabel Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure! :blowkiss:
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:iconcomatose-comet:
comatose-comet Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
haha but it was such a nice surprise I had to say thank you at least once! :hug:
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